MAria Magdalena de Donatello

MAria Magdalena de Donatello, a photo by Adalberto Jr on Flickr.

ah constipation..

Stillness, quite, I expected to be peaceful.
Hopeful, willful, I didn’t see confusion.
Disoriented, discombobulated (yes that is a real word)
Emotionless, thoughtless, yet a cool blank thing is glad

I’ve found patience, I’ve found purpose
Active non-doing seems a key
I feel I am logical
I think I am right
Yet… *sigh* and yet … well you see?

A path is meant to be straight I feel, and yet they never are
I have a goal, its not to far
But I cant more towards it, not by boat, or train, nor bus nor car.
I’m looking forward, moving backwards, and all the time I’m lost
Facing upwards, twirling roundwards; spinning in circles all the while
Circles... hm. yes circles, circles.

Songs guide my life you know? I’ve found they are my key
So what does that say when I have no song to sing?
Have I truly lost myself, or have I just been locked away
But more importantly what will I do without a song for… now.

Yet, you should know I’m happy
Sun shine on a cloudy daaaay
I’m living in a dream
And it couldn’t get any better
<3

But every dream has a catch
So mine is this, the question I pose…
How do I make the others as happy as I am?
How do I make her see?
How do I let them know?
I feel inside, but until I share - I feel like I’m… well…
emotionally constipated (to borrow wisdom from the wise Miss Penelope)
Yes, I like that, Emotionally Constipated it is
*sigh* you know I feel better already

=)

<3

fail.

whats it feel like to fail?
or worse yet, see that out come father down the trail?
im here, doing what i can
fighting what i can
trying to help
trying to see
trying to be
but somehow i know im losing
im not winning the battle
im not winning the war
im not going to win. period.
im trying to fix what i cant fix
fill a place i cant fill
be what i cant be
i cant succeed, but ill still fight to see
pain is all that'll meets me
losing is what.. just that {pain}

a baritone singing a high "C"
a tenor hitting a low "E"
these things were not destined to succeed
a failure is the best they'll be

a dyslexic spelling right
a coward winning a fight
a home-schooler getting a date
anger management getting rid of hate

looking for a actor who is real
looking for a liar who'll tell you how they feel
waiting for money to fall from the sky
waiting on those pigs who really wish they could fly

a stock broker winning the lottery
Santa leaving gifts for you under the Christmas tree
walking a road free of this pain or strife
winning at the jinxed game called life

filling a hole
fixing a break
being enough, you cant
protecting
holding
keeping
loving
being there
being all
being it
your not
you fail, always, forever
you cant protect what's not yours to keep safe
you cant hold what wasnt placed in your hand
you cant keep what hasnt been given to you
you cant love without permission
you cant be where your not wanted
you cant fix what your not allowed
you cant fill whats to big for you
you cant be enough, not now, not ever
you cant help
you cant be
you cant
cant
cant...
there's nothing.
you can only watch (ps. the pain doesn't stop)
you cant leave, cause you cant make it worse
you fail
(epic fail)
congratulations. (loser)

whats it feel like to fail?
or worse yet, see that as the end of your trail?
i'd imagine its a little painful..
winner winner.

why do magic and super powers not exist?!?

you know? sometimes i am purty sure either one of those would make life like fifty bazillion times better..

*sigh* [fact] i am pissed.
would you like to know why? (stupid question, you obviously would not be reading this if you didn't..)
so, let me explain...
.. no, there is to much, let me summarize..
.. eh, but it is really to complicated..
here, let me tell you a story..

alright, so...
once upon a time, there was born a man. (actually technically he was born a baby, but he became a man really quick cause that works better for my story)
anyhoo, where this man turned the age of13, he parents gave him present his godfather left for him the day he was born, a bag.
now this bag was also a very singular and special item, for this mans grandfather happened to be a gifted wizard. so once the man decided he wanted something, be it power, wealth, fame, or love, all he need do was declare to the bag what he desired to achieve his goal, and the bag would grant it to him.
now to all outside appearances this man was one destined never to fail, for who could thwart a man how had everything thing he desired or needed hanging be his side? however, a path without failer would not be this man lot in life..
one day, the man was wondering down the rode when out of the ground he beheld a completely impossible thing.
a crystal rose, standing alone, simply growing out of the ground next to where he stood.
now this rose was a thing of exquisite beauty, its steam was slender and elegant, shining pure white int he after noon sun. its delicate leaves sprouted from the steam, the white fading softly and evenly into a rich green. and the petals, everyone completely unique and undeniably perfect, fanned out in a cascade of colors, ever one shifting as the light shown through it so it appeared as if the whole flower itself was dancing.
the man was enchanted.
he stood stock still, overcome completely by the flower's radiant allure.
but soon he was distracted from the flower by that which was around it, flying creatures the size of his fist buzzed around the fragile flower, biting at its petals with what looked like fangs. soon one succeeded in chipping off just a sliver..
the man froze, furious, and he quickly realized what he must do.
he then knew that he must find a way to keep this thing of perfection safe, to guard to the best of his abilities as long as he was able, he pondered briefly how this would be best accomplished, deciding quickly that there would be no better way then using the bag
so he opened the bag a said simply "i desire the tool that will best serve me to protect this flower from these menaces that threaten it" he then reached inside and pulled out.. a great hammer
the man was briefly puzzled, but he trusted the bag and so decided that the hammer must be the tool that would serve him best in his quest..
so he turned and (doing the only thing he could think to do with a hammer of that size) attempted to smash the flying pest..
he swung and swung at the little devils for a good hour until he realized that he had not only accomplished nothing in the way of protecting the flower, but he had succeed in nicking it the flowers petals multiple times..
he quickly threw down the hammer in horror, pulled open the bag and said "i desire the thing that will help me to best keep thing flower from harm" he reached in a pulled out.. a sheet of metal
the man stood puzzled one again, but decided to do what he could, because these gifts had to be designed to serve his purpose
so he took the metal, and after pondering briefly, proceeded to attempt to blow the pests away by waving the sheet like a giant fan
after a short 20 minutes of this attempt providing no results (and seeing the flower gain a few more nicks under his watch) he cursed in frustration, seized the the hammer and sheet, shoved them back into the bag and roared inside "GIVE ME WHAT I DESIRE!"
he then reached inside and pulled out.. a giant hammer and a metal sheet
the man hurled the both against a far tree, tore off the bag, threw it to the ground, and stomped away sulking..
but he could not stay away long though, for he was unable to simply leave the flower unprotected
so he came back, but did not pick up the bag again, he instead picked up the hammer and began to, much more carefully this time, swat away the annoying buggers..
as he carefully swung the hammer with little effect, he began to think;
he felt thwarted.. even betrayed by this bag that his godfather had gifted to him..
he felt tricked, like somehow the bag was getting some enjoyment out of his frustration..
but more then anything he felt ashamed and down right angry at himself.. because he knew deep down the his godfather had not tricked him, nor the bag betrayed him, he knew that the bag had given him the best tools he could have to accomplish his task.. he knew that his inability to protect what he desired was because HE could not comprehend what to do with these tools..
his lack of knowledge and intelligence was the barrier to his success, not the tools he was given..
so he continued swinging away, attempting to protect his flower, having little success, and trying all the while to understand what it was he was missing..

so, thats the story..
have you ever felt like you've been asked to draw a portrait with a lump of coal?
maybe paint a land scape with a mop?
of carve an ice sculpture with a pick axe?
its like you know there must be some secret your missing that makes all of it make since, but all you can see right now is the chain saw you've been asked to carve a ring with..
but your not able to just say "screw it all, i quit till you give me something that'll actually work.."
instead, you just have to keep swinging at those moths with you sledge hammer, hoping your maybe doing some good, trying yo figure out what your missing, and praying all the time that you don.t destroy anything..

my painting of "Ethan's Concerto"

today i did two things..
1) i finished reading a book
2) i painted a concerto

{note} these two things might seem completely unrelated (and in truth i didn't see any possible link until i finished the book)

now the best way to share this would be for all of ya'll to see my painting, unfortunately i have not taken the time and trouble to post it online..
so instead i plan to share with you what insight i gained from this book and why i decided to name my painting (as well as this blog) after its title character..

the book is called "ethen between us"

**{take notice}** i will be discussing major plot points and spoilers, so if you want to read the book (or just get annoyed by spoilers) i wouldn't continue..

anywho, i actually got this book from a close friend last night, when i got home i decided to read a couple chapters before i wen to bed, i got to about chp 5 before i fell asleep..

in the morning i had the random urge to paint, so after multiple store runs to gathers supplies (because painting is not a everyday activity for me) i set up shop in our family room

im not going to lie, i royally screwed up my painting and for about an hour i was simply mixing colors on a canvas and making it all worse, but somehow out of the mess i started to see something i liked and by evening i had created.. well something..

back to the book though..
it is the story of a young man named ethen, now ethen is apparently stunningly handsome, a fabulous pianist, and a schizophrenic, but really the story isn't about any of that, because ethen is also an incredibly kind, friendly 17 year old boy who starts dating his next door neighbor (who is apparently a little of an oddity in the small texas town) and quickly befriends a retarded girl in his school who everyone else spends there time tormenting..
long story short, after much drama and heartbreak, ethen dies, and as his girlfriend (who narrates the story) is talking about him, she mentions how ethen talked about concertos, concertos (apparently) are pieces of music written to feature one instrument , she then says "that's what his life was. ethen's life was a short concerto."

a short concerto.
how many times do we meet someone who for whatever reason is only around for a short time, and yet somehow they manage to change our lifes forever?
claire (ethen's girlfriend in the book) talks about how she now notices things she never saw before because of him, she only knew him for 90 days and yet he managed to start changes in her that will last a life time.
one short concerto.
there was a boy in at my church about 5 or 6 years ago
he wasaround 17 or 18 i think (im really not sure) he had several siblings (his younger brother was one of my friends) but he was completely on fire for God
unfortunately i never met him, before i even joined the youth group he caught leukemia and died
he was young, and from everything i've heard he was moving and moving fast, he was a center piece in the youth group, an example to so many, everything thing just seemed right about him, and yet his came time and he was gone
just a single concerto.
throughout history there of storys of people who die young and yet leave legacy's that last life times
the first to come to mind is the story of jim elliot and the fate of the yellow wood bee
jim and four of his missionary buddies felt called to ecuador, to minister the one of the most notoriously savage tribes down there, the Huaorani (then known as the Acuas)
jim and his four friends all wound up brutally murdered by the Huaorani tribe, and yet the wives of jim elliot and his friends continued to work to reach the Huaorani, resulting in the entire tribe converting
five men dieing was what it took to bring an entire tribe to life

back to ethen though, i am not a sappy person, i am the one in the movie theater cracking jokes at the "romantic" parts..
.. and yet, "ethen between us" really made me think, about how special those few who only get a short "solo" in this life to their name, and yet do more with the little that their giving then many do with 10 times that
it also makes you think about how much more you can do with what your giving, cause mabye if we all had a clock ticking over our head we'd be more likely to.. well do something other then sitting around on our royal American.. arses.

anywho, back to the painting, so i decide i want to find a way to honor these examples of how to waste you life in art, and so i walk back downstairs and discover that this piece of crap i've been messing up all day might be able to do just that..
so with a few touches, a line here, and blot here (i was actually tearing up while i was painting, no lie..) i finish "ethen's concerto"
hopefully only the first in a series im thinking of naming "hey you lazys! take a look, appreciate the sacrifice, and then do something!!"
(the title is kinda a working progress though..)

".. sometimes, its the people who are with us the least that do the most.."
-Daniel Saroni, Midnight pules 30min, jan the.. ah heck i don't know the date, goodnight.

what is the point of a lonely flight.. ?

-[between “fly away” or "stay alone"
the choice seems a simple one
but to fly means your on your own
a friendless wanderer, a lonely son

so now you stand and have to choose
“stay along here” or “fly alone there”
either way, you seem to lose
so what does it matter? who. freaken. cares..?]-


recently, a very dear friend of mine whom i love and respect greatly told me something..
i was complaining (retardedly) about how for some reason everything seems to be a crap shoot..
my emotions are just completely raw, unaltered, and uncontrollable (which is not something i enjoy feeling...)
so this friend says to me "maybe, its just time for you to fly"
(i was kind confused at this point..)
so they clarified.. (and i am paraphrasing, sorry friend..) "maybe you're just reaching a point in life where you need to just get away, go somewhere, anywhere, but do something freeing.."
they then started suggesting things..
-going to new york
-going camping
-grabbing a friend and going on a road trip..
ext.ext.ext..

.. and that's when i realized it..
for me it doesn't really matter what i do, but who i do it with..
and suddenly i realized somthing..
now understand, i do have friends..
i have friends whom i love completely, respect utterly, and would trust with my life..
i have friends whom i've known for everywhere from 6mths to 15yrs..
but still, for one reason or another.. i feel alone..
and i believe its cause deep down i know that in life you really have only two choices
you either a) fly away or b) stay..
the problem for me is that both of those means your going to be running solo sooner or later..
cause in a) obviously your cutting a new path, making a new life that's different from the one you grew up with, new places, new experiences, but it means leaving every friend you spent the first 18yrs of your life build relationship with..
while b) your staying put, but there is a wonderfully good chance that all those friends you've spent time building relationship with will be gone one day, which means starting over anyways..
and i swear, there is nothing in my life as scary to me as knowing i'm going to have to start back at friendship square 1..
i mean seriously! i personally (and this is my selfish moment of the day) think its crap that after spending all that time building several very unique, very special friendships in my life, after all the work and time i've put into them, all i've bloody got to look forward to is that fact that there is a 90% chance in 20yrs i wont have talked to anyone of them for at least 10..
i mean seriously that kinda upsets me and personally (ok 2 selfish moments today..) i think rightly so..
i mean gosh darnit! i'd like to be able to know for certain that atleast 1 of these friends i'm spending so much time loving, praying for, worrying about or whatever, is going to be around later on..
is it really to much to ask that i know for certain that in 20yrs i wont look back and go ".. man.. i really miss him.. and her.. and him and him and her and him and her and her.. (ext. ext. ext.)"but never see anyone of them again?
now you might say i'm being extrema (.. probably cause i am..)
but really, basically our choices in this crap shoot are simple.. "stay behind and watch all your friends leave" or "fly away lickty split, leaving all you friends behind"
*sigh* and frankly, i just don't like my options..
therefore, i proceeded to right a depressing poem and corresponding a depressing blog, basically complaining that its all retarded..
and yet, the stupid fact remains that one way or another.. i have to make a decision..
(cause even abstaining decides my fate on way or the other..)

*sigh* so good night, good luck, and what will you choose?
cause the clocks a ticking and we're already low on time as it is..

Life and Algebra.

[fact] algebra and life can both be retarded.

.. the funny this is, they're retarded for similar reason.

{algebra}

algebra is a form of math that deals largely with variables.

now, this is all good and fine.. when its only one variable that your dealing with..

for instance, take the problem "x=5-2+2"

it is relatively easy to figure out the solution to this problem, right?

x=5

what about "100=4x+60"

again, not an incredibly hard problem to figure out..

x=10

but what about "4x=6y-38"?

this problem, no matter what you do, the simplest solution you will ever be able to get is..

2x-3y=-19

no matter what, there is now way for you to find an answer..

so whats the difference between problem a), problem b), and problem c)?

simply that problem c) has more then one variable, and all it takes is that little extra variable to make the problem completely impossible to solve.. and down right aggravating at times..

now {life}
life in concept shouldn't be that hard right?

you live.

worship God.

love you neighbor.

and your pretty much set..

unfortunately, that's doing life "algebra" with only one variable..

is you only have to "solve equations" for yourself, of course its not that difficult, but the minute you start adding friends, acquaintances, and enemies into the mix, everything starts getting screwed..

just like algebra..

now don't get me wrong, friends are what make pondering over life's algebra problems worth while, cause like my pastor once said "if you have nothing to live for, really you live for nothing"

(he was talking about God there, but i think it can be applied to friends too, cause without good friends, whats life worth anyways?)

*sigh* anywho, i just didn't want anyone reading this and thinking i was suggesting that we should all live a hermits or keep everything bottled up because friends make things more complicated, that is not the point i'm trying to make here. (.. actually i don't really have a point, but that's beside the point.. of no point.. past the point of no return.. ah whatever..)

back to the subject, i made this discovery one day while trying to figure out the possible outcomes of a particular situation.. that actually was a rather unsavory equation..

so i'm sitting there doing what i do best; pondering, when all of a sudden i realize something

..and i just groan "ah.. crap!"

(my mom looked at me like i was crazy)

so i continued "i just realized, if it was just me this would be no problem, i've got enough self-control that i could do what i needed to.. there are two other variable i've got to take into consideration.. and that it effectively impossible for me to solve.. ah LORDY geezs! it just like algebra.. *sigh* crapface.."

(.. and just in case you didn't get this point, me and ol'alge don't really have the most fruitful of relationships.. )

anywho, this is really pointless (cause i don't have a point.. and that was redundant..) but i did warn you at the start how pointless the majority of these would be.. and now (i case you were wondering) i spend much less time trying to figure out the answer, because there is just now way it is humanly possible for me to solve for 10 variables in a complex equation.. (and that's in algebra, so i'm just royally screwed in life, cause algebra to life is like "1+1" to trig.. )