what is the point of a lonely flight.. ?

-[between “fly away” or "stay alone"
the choice seems a simple one
but to fly means your on your own
a friendless wanderer, a lonely son

so now you stand and have to choose
“stay along here” or “fly alone there”
either way, you seem to lose
so what does it matter? who. freaken. cares..?]-


recently, a very dear friend of mine whom i love and respect greatly told me something..
i was complaining (retardedly) about how for some reason everything seems to be a crap shoot..
my emotions are just completely raw, unaltered, and uncontrollable (which is not something i enjoy feeling...)
so this friend says to me "maybe, its just time for you to fly"
(i was kind confused at this point..)
so they clarified.. (and i am paraphrasing, sorry friend..) "maybe you're just reaching a point in life where you need to just get away, go somewhere, anywhere, but do something freeing.."
they then started suggesting things..
-going to new york
-going camping
-grabbing a friend and going on a road trip..
ext.ext.ext..

.. and that's when i realized it..
for me it doesn't really matter what i do, but who i do it with..
and suddenly i realized somthing..
now understand, i do have friends..
i have friends whom i love completely, respect utterly, and would trust with my life..
i have friends whom i've known for everywhere from 6mths to 15yrs..
but still, for one reason or another.. i feel alone..
and i believe its cause deep down i know that in life you really have only two choices
you either a) fly away or b) stay..
the problem for me is that both of those means your going to be running solo sooner or later..
cause in a) obviously your cutting a new path, making a new life that's different from the one you grew up with, new places, new experiences, but it means leaving every friend you spent the first 18yrs of your life build relationship with..
while b) your staying put, but there is a wonderfully good chance that all those friends you've spent time building relationship with will be gone one day, which means starting over anyways..
and i swear, there is nothing in my life as scary to me as knowing i'm going to have to start back at friendship square 1..
i mean seriously! i personally (and this is my selfish moment of the day) think its crap that after spending all that time building several very unique, very special friendships in my life, after all the work and time i've put into them, all i've bloody got to look forward to is that fact that there is a 90% chance in 20yrs i wont have talked to anyone of them for at least 10..
i mean seriously that kinda upsets me and personally (ok 2 selfish moments today..) i think rightly so..
i mean gosh darnit! i'd like to be able to know for certain that atleast 1 of these friends i'm spending so much time loving, praying for, worrying about or whatever, is going to be around later on..
is it really to much to ask that i know for certain that in 20yrs i wont look back and go ".. man.. i really miss him.. and her.. and him and him and her and him and her and her.. (ext. ext. ext.)"but never see anyone of them again?
now you might say i'm being extrema (.. probably cause i am..)
but really, basically our choices in this crap shoot are simple.. "stay behind and watch all your friends leave" or "fly away lickty split, leaving all you friends behind"
*sigh* and frankly, i just don't like my options..
therefore, i proceeded to right a depressing poem and corresponding a depressing blog, basically complaining that its all retarded..
and yet, the stupid fact remains that one way or another.. i have to make a decision..
(cause even abstaining decides my fate on way or the other..)

*sigh* so good night, good luck, and what will you choose?
cause the clocks a ticking and we're already low on time as it is..

Life and Algebra.

[fact] algebra and life can both be retarded.

.. the funny this is, they're retarded for similar reason.

{algebra}

algebra is a form of math that deals largely with variables.

now, this is all good and fine.. when its only one variable that your dealing with..

for instance, take the problem "x=5-2+2"

it is relatively easy to figure out the solution to this problem, right?

x=5

what about "100=4x+60"

again, not an incredibly hard problem to figure out..

x=10

but what about "4x=6y-38"?

this problem, no matter what you do, the simplest solution you will ever be able to get is..

2x-3y=-19

no matter what, there is now way for you to find an answer..

so whats the difference between problem a), problem b), and problem c)?

simply that problem c) has more then one variable, and all it takes is that little extra variable to make the problem completely impossible to solve.. and down right aggravating at times..

now {life}
life in concept shouldn't be that hard right?

you live.

worship God.

love you neighbor.

and your pretty much set..

unfortunately, that's doing life "algebra" with only one variable..

is you only have to "solve equations" for yourself, of course its not that difficult, but the minute you start adding friends, acquaintances, and enemies into the mix, everything starts getting screwed..

just like algebra..

now don't get me wrong, friends are what make pondering over life's algebra problems worth while, cause like my pastor once said "if you have nothing to live for, really you live for nothing"

(he was talking about God there, but i think it can be applied to friends too, cause without good friends, whats life worth anyways?)

*sigh* anywho, i just didn't want anyone reading this and thinking i was suggesting that we should all live a hermits or keep everything bottled up because friends make things more complicated, that is not the point i'm trying to make here. (.. actually i don't really have a point, but that's beside the point.. of no point.. past the point of no return.. ah whatever..)

back to the subject, i made this discovery one day while trying to figure out the possible outcomes of a particular situation.. that actually was a rather unsavory equation..

so i'm sitting there doing what i do best; pondering, when all of a sudden i realize something

..and i just groan "ah.. crap!"

(my mom looked at me like i was crazy)

so i continued "i just realized, if it was just me this would be no problem, i've got enough self-control that i could do what i needed to.. there are two other variable i've got to take into consideration.. and that it effectively impossible for me to solve.. ah LORDY geezs! it just like algebra.. *sigh* crapface.."

(.. and just in case you didn't get this point, me and ol'alge don't really have the most fruitful of relationships.. )

anywho, this is really pointless (cause i don't have a point.. and that was redundant..) but i did warn you at the start how pointless the majority of these would be.. and now (i case you were wondering) i spend much less time trying to figure out the answer, because there is just now way it is humanly possible for me to solve for 10 variables in a complex equation.. (and that's in algebra, so i'm just royally screwed in life, cause algebra to life is like "1+1" to trig.. )

[i wait.]

-[rain has come

pours down "their" face

but a shadow sits now with me

by my sideit stays, alive

"they" now cry, while i just sit

with it

so near to me




"they" feel pain

for there's i see

a cry, reveals "their" pain me

but i just sitfor it's not "i miss"

but "i fear"that torments me




but comfort i find

for things i know

for "things" are not just left to fate

for this i know

and so, i sit

and so, i wait...]-

the Tale of a White Mask and a Candy Cane

There is a man who’s full of pain

He bears a White Mask and a Candy Cane

Watch for him and you might see

What that Mask and Cane can be

There is a man whom I know

The Mask he wears is white as snow

He also carries a Candy Cane

As he travels life’s cruel lane

His Mask, he wears flawlessly

A character through which none see

A masterpiece that was beautify made

A role that is perfectly played

But behind this role, a darker thing lurks

A thing full of pain, a thing full of hurt

A thing this man want no one to see

A thing that was broken, and hurts ceaselessly

There is a man who’s full of pain

He bears a White Mask and a Candy Cane

Watch for him and you might see

What that Mask and Cane can be

He carries a Cane, striped white and red

A thing of much beauty, as many have said

It too, though, has something to hide

And he always keeps it close to his side

For he needs this thing to help him along

He uses this prop to lean upon

For he was betrayed and left all alone

Left with a void, which is all his own

There is a man who’s full of pain

He bears a White Mask and a Candy Cane

Watch for him and you might see

What that Mask and Cane can be

So now you know his this story of pain

The tale of the White Mask and the Candy Cane

The character and prop that he has made

The character and prop that behind he stays

So listen carefully to what I say

For a Mask and Cane oyu may find you’ve made

So heed what I tell you, for don’t you see

That man with the Mask and the Cane is me

the pointless start to a rambling nothingness..

i had a dream last night.
the funny thing is, i cant really remember it..

all i remember is that it disturbed me greatly and effectively ruined my night...
this is something that seems to have been happening more and more frequently, especialy in the past 6 months..
i don't really know why, but i'll tell the truth its getting freaken annoying.
some nights i'll have incredibly violent dreams and i wake up more tired then when i went to bed as cause it was so exhausting..
other nights i'll have dreams that make me furious or heart broken or confused or some freakishly odd mix of all 3, so i wake up crying, pondering, and punching holes in my wall all at the same time...
and then there are the perverse, retreaded, or other such as dreams where i wake up wanting to bash my head against a wall or break my knuckles or do SOMETHING to inflict the amount of pain on myself that i feel i deserve for having.. {those} kindof thoughts..

*sigh* my mom has the theory that it all has to do with the amount of physical exercises i get in a day..
apparently since i don't get enough physical exercises i have more energy at night to ponder..
and while i'll admit that being more tired might make me sleep better, i believe that that would only mean i would have a harder time breaking out of these cursed dreams of mine..
so it wouldn't really fix the problem..

however, the other day i had a thought..
possibly i spend to much time locked inside my own head and don't say what i'm thinking enough..
possibly if i could find a way to "release" (per say) my thoughts, i wouldn't wind up trapped by them every night..
but where could i find a place to write out the results of all this obsessive pondering i do?
then i had a (well i believe "inspired") thought, why not make a blog?
then all the people who are curious about what goes on is this completely crazy, jumbled, random, utterly... whatever mind of mine, can read about it, and everyone who doesn't care can just ignore it..
and i (hopefully) will be able to sleep a little easier..
(we'll cross our fingers on that one)
so its a win/win how i see

and so, in conclution, i will proceed to "blog" my obsessive ponderings, and you can read them or not (at your own peril) and we'll just have to see what comes of it, wont we?
tehe.. =)

did you know it is very hard to type with cold fingers?